Life just never seems to make senes . . . . .

lately I've seem to loose touch with who I am and why I cherish life. As a young child I had the fairytale marriage all planned, with the perfect mormon boy. I met Tom and everything changed. Not that its a bad thing I still love him with all my heart he was the greatest relationship in my life. He taught me so much about life and how to live it spontaneously. For the two years he and I dated I was dead set that he and I would be married one day, we had a house picked out in hurricane, we knew how many kids we wanted. When that went south I lost myself again, I became a clone of what I thought people wanted of me, to be my brother. My brother is the greatest man in my life. Model father. My Idol and Hero. I could not ask for a better brother and friend. He is there regardless. He's always wanted me to do what makes me happy unlike most in my life. When I lost him for a couple years, he went kinda rouge to do his own thing, I found My Chemical Romance who became my own heros. In a world of high schoolers that partied like college kids and teenage teeny boppers lost respect of themselves and gave away what men desire most I still held to respecting myself as a human and even more as a woman. When someone stands up for you as a gender what are you suppose to think? stupid man! . . . no . . . .

"Hey, girls, you're beautiful. Don't look at those stupid magazines with sticklike models. Eat healthy and exercise. That's all. Don't let anyone tell you you're not good enough. You're good enough, you are too good. Love your family with all your heart and listen to it. You are gorgeous, whether you're a size 4 or 14. It doesn't matter what you look like on the outside, as long as you're a good person, as long as you respect others. I know it's been told hundreds of times before, but it's true. Hey, girls, you are beautiful."

“You’re going to come across a lot of shitty bands, and a lot of shitty people. And if any one of those people call you names because of what you look like, or because they don’t accept you for who you are, I want you to look right at that motherfucker, stick up your middle finger, and scream “Fuck you!
~ Gerard Way

And my only form of rebellion left is to fuck my hair up and look like a 16-year-old. So, it’s kind of all I got.

“Someone doesn’t like you? Fuck it. Having a bad day? Fuck it. Didn’t get that job, or that grade, or that promotion you wanted? Fuck it. Fighting with your lover? Fuck it. Feel fat today? Fuck it. Losing control of everything and everyone? Fuck it. What matters now won’t matter soon; the truly important thing is that …you are alive, and that you have the capacity to do absolutely anything with this beautiful, crazy coincidence of being on this earth. Just stick your middle fingers in the air and think, ‘Damn, I have it good.’”
~ Gerard Way

I mean serious if you dont respect yourself how can you expect the world to respect you and even to take you seriously? I know who I am and what I want in life for the most part. I never lost that hope just lost sight of it for a bit. In January of 2005 My Chem sparked a burning fire in me to better myself that just reignites every time they come out with something new. Some would call it a passion. . . I can see that . . . I feel that, years ago when I got into punk rock I realized something, I didnt really want the perfect little family. Perfect Mormon Boy. Perfect House. Perfect Life. Why would you want life to be so easy? What is the point to life if you dont have trials or sufferings. . . . . is it really worth being alive if its so perfect? Within the last year or so I thought I might have a chance at that perfect life again. . . . it seemed so great. . . . Then I met someone who is so imperfect that I realized its easy to see whats beautiful in the perfect, but who can see whats beautiful in the imperfect? Imperfect people make life. We all strive to be our own version of perfect but we never reach it, in a sense we are condemning ourselves to an imperfect life, maybe its what our subconscious wants after all and our strive for perfection is purely social. I know I have a personal problem because to me, I'm physically not perfect to society. . . . but you know what? thats ok. Physical aspects are not the world, They fade as willt those who solely depend on it. I've been in desperate need to revolutionize myself. Live by what you preach. And pardon the language but Fuck the haters! I'll never measure up to what they want, but what I want, I can do that perfectly! Screw those who continue to tell me I should be doing something different, give into men who only want to use me for physical needs I dont need them to make my life great, it is great already with all that I have and all that I dont have. I have those who love me and protect me here and those who have passed on that still watch over me and help me everyday to step forward. Backwards just isnt a possibility anymore, reverting back to a former personality is a safe zone that I cant cross back to if I am to evolve in this life. I've never wanted my life to just be another life, another death. When I die I hope that it would effect people world round that the good I do now will be passed on to show others a better path in life. Dont do it for the money, dont do it for the fame, do it to make a difference ~Linz Way~ Gerard married such a wise woman.

My two favorite songs
Famous Last Words


Sing

the last 24 hours

It's been an awkward 24 hrs. . . . it started with being blown off, yea I got a bit over pissed . . . I shouldnt have let it get to me, but it was pretty much the straw on the camels back. . . . my last straw of sanity gone. . . . . it seems pretty much every single friend, family member, association I have takes advantage of me and screws me over in the end! Two guys within the last 6 months pretended they were friends with me, asked me for sexual favors . . . . one just leaving a relationship which he promptly went back to the other still in one, I'm sorry but WTF is your problem asking women for that when your. . . . . uhg never mind. . . . so friend wise I dont get texts, messages, etc to see how I am pretty much ever the only people who check up on me are my mom and sister. . . . . my brother although I love him so much, he rarely calls me, I never hear word one from my father. . . . . my best friends never call except for jessica . . . . . . for a while I tried my best to stay in contact with everyone but I am so sick and tired of being the only one who tries in a friendship. . . . . . I'm sick and tired of caring when no one cares about me or whats going on, or wants me to drop school my life etc to be there for them, where were they when I needed them? GONE! All the time I have set aside to spend with friends . . . . and they always find a reason to go do something else or dont invite me, and I'm suppose to make them #1 on my list? Sorry for the language but fuck them to fucking hell! They can burn for all I care! I've been a toy for people to play with and throw aside for too long. . . . then when people ask my why my self confidence is shot to shit, WTF would keep it in tact?! I've spent every second of the last 24 hours when I wasnt sleeping or working blasting My Chemical Romance in my ears trying to calm myself down, not only did I have a complete breakdown only 3 friends have texted me to see if I'm ok! I mean seriously? Only one of them made me feel any better and I've never actually met her! . . . again seriously! And the amazing part is I think about my nieces and nephews, how much I love them and have tried to be apart of their lives. . . . . where was my family? Other than my Mother, Sister, and Brother. . . . . where were the rest of them? too busy I'm sure. . . . *rolls eyes* . . . . not only that but the fact that they talk shit behind my back, and they think I dont know. . . . oh that is just the cherry on the effing cake right there . . . . love and compassion for the family . . . . not to mention the friends that dont know that I know what they say behind my back, too you who do . . . BIG middle finger to you . . . . . your words mean nothing anymore . . . . so in conclusion of 24 hours of continuous listening to My Chemical Romance and thinking. . . . I'm gonna go ahead and revert to better years the 2 years following high school where I was heavily into my chem and not care about friends and their crap . . . Thank you and goodnight! uhg

I feel this song goes along with this post quite well
"but I think were the enemy"

Where did my school break go?

Music can change any mood :) so listen to some and make a bad day good!



Man, seems like I was turning my final in for my sound design class. I had so much fun with Brandi and Tashlee visiting, although I did get a bit hammered, still was fun! We both got home in one piece! then the weekend after Jillian came, was quite a lay back weekend and it was hella fun to have her down! I'm bummed I missed the Church trip to Six Flags then the Relief Society Retreat but in my defense it was to Pine Valley Mountain, sorry but I've seen it alot but I heard good things last sunday, funny stories of the Iron Man triathlon thing. although starting monday my week started going down hill, starting with the fact that I hadnt had coffee in a couple day, so even though I went to family home evening with my ward, I felt so out of place, which is odd, havent felt that in so long! I even got a blessing hoping things would get better, it took a couple days more, tuesday I drug myself to school, late, with a nasty cough . . . then in the middle of class I over heard the guy I've been crushin on next door talking very loudly . . . . I was so aggravated, no one wants to be seen when they dont feel good right? . . . so as im biking home with my new art kit and backpack full of books. . . . balancing with all that is quite the trick! As I'm balancing going down hill, I see a figure leaning across the inside of the car waving, who is it? him. . . . waving at me . . . yea almost caused a crash. . . . although I have mad ninja skills! so Wed I thought I was gonna have to medicate myself again with anti-depressants since I was quite negative toward life, I couldnt even pull myself out of bed for class . . . again, monday I couldnt pull myself outta bed either, so ofcourse i pull myself outta bed late again thurs not as late as tues, but still . . . . get to class just to hear him talking loud again but halfway through class it went very quiet, I figured they let out early right? so when we got out 20 min early and I still had 30 between classes I figured hey, almost an hour, I can sit in the lounge and read . . . . I got into the book The Lost Symbol by Dan Brown, AWESOME author btw the Robert Langdon books are fabulous! so . . . I sat on the couch pulled up my feet and plugged in my ipod to get the audio version of the book and pulled out the book to follow along, also tid bit my eyes have a hard time focusing on lines as well as put them together . . . I tend to read the same line over and over, anywho I'm sittin there reading deep into my book when I see a figure in the class infront of me *the door was open* walking toward the back of the class, stop turn to look at me, turn back walked a couple more feet, turned back toward the door and walked very slow . . . . I'm thinking wtf? why is someone staring at me . . . look up just to see him making faces at me, I couldnt help but giggle wave and go back to my book. . . . I'm sorry but it was the funniest site I had ever seen I could hardly focus back on my book but I had to since 15-20 min later he left the room and walked very slow to the hall way looking at me but I refused to look up . . . so after my last class I took my time leaving, knowing he has to be there later so I figure I'll try not to pass him right??? . . . soo in taking my time leaving and biking .. . . I got close to starbucks and thought, I havent had coffee in days I could use some . . . again thinking hes back at school. . . go in order get my drink go back out, cause there were hella lota ppl there and I dont like bein so close to that many other ppl, sat down pulled up my feet on another chair put up my hood and went back to reading . . . out of no where he's walking by waving at me sayin something I couldnt hear over my book, I seriously had a startled look on my face and had to ask, what are you a ninja today? keep popping up everywhere? he says back only on tuesdays and thursdays. . . . I was just like uhhhhh he laughed at me and said just go with it I could do nothing but laugh as he walked away . . . . . it took me 5 min to get refocused back to my book. . . . funny how silly people doing silly things make a week go from sooooooooooooooooo bad to so great. . . all today on the way to the bus, on the bus, to starbucks, in starbucks until I finally sat down, I had my ipod playin music and I could not stop dancing, it would be funny to look back and watch. . . . too funny too funny . . . . . aaah well to my homework I have to do 3 drawings for my drawing class and color a blk and wht photo in photoshop . . . . and probably some paper to write for my english class I skipped all week :P hahaha

Zwow!

So its 2:30 am . . . and what am I doing? Homework? Kinda lol Mostly watching and addictive 35 min movie for the pre game of my absolute favorite game in the world, Assassins Creed 2

Amazing Video! . . . . They do so well playing into the game. . . speaking of I will have to go back and start playing again, seein how next week is my week break between terms! But of course as of right now I'm a little on the fritz, on Wed I have to go into the docs to get injections into my optical nerves in the back of meh head . . . my neurologist believes this will give me temporary relief until we find the reasons as to why I get these constant headaches. . . but it still is freaky. . . . go figure me . . with 2 tattoos and a lip piercing has a fear of needles, . . . the tats didnt do the trick to fix my fear. . . nope nope nope, but its ok . . . also I'm suppose to go see a specialist about my knee pain although he being a surgeon freaks me out, I dont want surgery done to me knees this early in life! I would just like less pain. . .but we'll see how it goes eh? . . . I'm so sick of doctors offices as of late, 6 appointments in 2 . . . 2 & 1/2 weeks geez! but on the plus side my doc's office is right by a starbucks so coffee after wards is always a nice up side to a situation especially if a special smiling face is there. . . although I've been scared a time or two by teacher popping out of no where O.o but its come to the point that the staff at starbucks knows that I go for frappachino but what flavor is always the question and I'll take whatever flavor they give me . . . but sitting on the terrace or even inside people watching is quite fun, or reading a book away from a small mutt who continues to jump on me clawing my arms, but sitting out on the terrace area has become my favorite . . . watching the mass of birds fighting over crumbs, I'm to much of an animal watcher, it amuses me, but I seem to amuse those who sit around by themselves because I tend to plug in my ipod and start writing up notes on work I'm doing or gotta be doing and tappin my footsie away and mouthing the words, an older gentleman giggled at me and smile when I noticed him watching me, it was rather funny to say the least but a fun time is had by all. . . . but its become a almost daily ritual unless I have class . . . I go and sit, watch, "rock out" and make silly faces at the usual's and the staff of surrounding shops . . . . I may have a dull life between classes but its fun for me . . . I'm a watcher. . . no in a weird way . . . its a good place to get public solitude to think about things, on occasion see kids running around, they are so fun to watch at play, oblivious to the world around them and only focused on whats in front of them, I had a little girl ask me lots of questions about my bike one day it was rather funny but her mom watched like a hawk, as she should, but I just smiled and giggled such curious thing children are got to know what everything is and how it works! Although I doubt I'll have any of my own and not even sure I would want one of my own its rather a blessing to share the learning process with young ones. . . . its an awesome feeling to teach them something . . . . or to just give them info such as teaching Juju proper dating manners for when he takes a girl out on a date, ok so he's only 6 but you can never start too soon on good manners and hope they stick to them! Ok well now that I've wasted a half hour gabbing and simultaneously watching the movie above I must depart to bed, for tomorrow I will one way or another make it to church to hear L Tom Perry speak :) I'm quite excited, I considered not going but thought this would be a great opportunity for me to do a fasting and praying as well as hear one of the quorum of the 12 speak. . . last week in church the lessons were so in tune with what I needed to hear that I'm sure this week will be that much better . . . . goodnight friends and family

oh also before I forget, I got a new niece yesterday, Steven and Marci Welcomed their new baby girl Jordan just under 7 lbs and 18 long and adorable as can be just like her sister Danielle! Jordan was born 2 pm April 17th 2010, I'm so excited to have another niece and am expecting to have another niece from shara in August then Jesi I'm hoping will have a boy so that my nephews dont get too out numbered!

Loves all! XOXO!

A spare moment . . . for a spared word

As always since I'm ADD and cant do just one thing at a time, some music for your listening pleasure. . . . . .



Sooooo, I'm back down in Vegas, doin the school thing, with Helena *kitty* and Winston Sheffield *pup* Nothin I love more than this City . . . . Anything ya want 24/7, But I've also started attending the Singles Ward here in Henderson . . . going to Family Home Evening, go figure a bunch of singles getting together for FHE eh?, and I have been having a ball, They are some amazing and very supportive people! I really love the mentality of Las Vegas Mormons, being the "City of Sin" you'd think the mormon community would be smaller? Nope, and the mormons to be more "corrupt" NOPE! Actually these people are some of the best mormons I've known although in a small town like Hurricane it seemed people only went to church to keep up their "status" which seems stupid . . . . if your gonna go . . . go for your own reasons not to save face, but that's just me . . . I still have ALOT to work on but I'm living a blessed life so far and have realized in recent months that my life has been very blessed with people and support even though it wasn't in the obvious areas. . . . like home. . . but God has always sent someone to help me and to be with me and help me through rough patches . . . even though I refused it. . . . . as I went through letters I've kept since I'm a pack rat . . . and I've found a person who I know always had faith in me and always thought about me and my well being and when I refused to go to church and even started a big 'beef' with her she still wrote me letters, post cards, etc to let me know she was thinking of me and what potential I had . . . its so hard to see it when its right in your face. . . . takes time and patience . . . and I cant believe I acted the way I did from 10th grade til about when I started school, July of '08, Maybe its because I didn't see much potential in my own future and was angry that I didn't know what I wanted to do with my future, I'm not sure and its no excuse . . . but its interesting how the universe turns around isn't it? . . . In the past year I've found 2 of the most prominent people in my life who I lost contact with for WAY to long, Tom of course which is a life time friend and have missed in passed years, and Mrs. Kris and her family the one family I didn't want to leave in California and resented my mom for taking me away from, Amazing how time has changed me and though it had been 12ish years since I spoke to Kris or Tery I was so amazed that they both remembered me. I find it quite funny that when parents aren't available God sends someone to be there for you even though it means putting more onto those that he sends, Mrs Kris had a son, Eddie, but still always found time for me, to talk hangout and to let me stay when my mom was off in utah finding a home for us to move to, after we moved within the week he sent another family to me, The Lindhardt's, A blessing of friendship from each of them it has been, and their mother who was ALWAYS there no matter the cost emotionally or financially, My family would have had such sad Christmas's if it weren't for there generosity, but Gina always made sure I was apart of whatever was going on, I was very hesitant when she wanted me to go to Girls Camp a year early and it didn't get much better when my mom told me to have a good time and she loved me, that she wasn't sure she would be there when I got back, I understand now that depression causes suicidal thoughts and wants but to a kid of that age . . . I thought she was serious, every year the same thing . . . every year I cried myself to sleep at girls camp hoping she would be there when I got home and Gina letting me yell and scream and vent my frustrations of how my mom could think such thoughts and what she would leave behind if she ever did . . . She never complained ever. . . .even when I woke her up at 7 in the morning to see if anyone was up to play. . . . I never slept after my mom left for work, I was such a handful . . . chaotic and she still dealt with me, Then The Phelps's a WONDERFUL family . . . who has never givin up on me even when I had givin up on myself . . . and who have been there for many years but mostly recently to my small brain being so supportive of my harsh feelings toward God for taking such a wonderful and supportive and loving mother and friend from this scary world and harsh feelings toward others for letting it off so easy . . . and always reminding me that would be proud of me and wouldn't want me to be angry on her account, something I've needed, I tend to hold grudges very easily it seems its easier to hate than to love and forgive . . . and definitely something I've learned the very hardest way and something I'm still working on. . . but I wouldn't have realized it and been able to deal with it without Sister Phelps, that is for sure, from being a mother figure at Young Womens to the small talks we have she has ALWAYS been such an uplift and a joy to see and talk to . . . and always seems to know what I am in need of hearing. . . . . and it is so wonderful to be able to talk with her about the smallest to the biggest thing going on because I know it is an unjaded opinion as was Sister Lindhardt, and most recently Sister Madison, who like I said earlier sent me letters and always believed in me and my abilities even when I didn't, 4 awesome ladies who are such an inspiration in my life and their families who support them, and have been a blessing in my life as well. . . . it seems in my immersion into church has made me recognize that even though my life has been rough he has always watched out for me and sent me people to support me, which makes my faith unshaken as of recently, A year ago I wanted nothing to do with the church because I thought it failed me in every sense because of rumors that the bishop's counselor started about my best friend and I being lesbians and that we would "contaminate" others, there went my grudge I held against the church again . . . and it took me a while but I'm finally over it, forgiving it is still a ways away but I'm working on it, I think I've come to terms that I was a picked on kid in school, never really fit in . . . but that's why outside of school I had those who were willing to accept me and help me. . . but I've come to the point in my life where . . . even though life was rough I still want some of those who were rude to me to be my friends. . . I know some of them wont. . . or don't want to . . . or haven't matured enough to hey its taken me this long. . . but I don't want to become someone who hates the world for what has happened in the past, its hard to just let go of some of the things said or done. . . who knows if it will ever be okay in my mind but I want to build friendships with those who I haven't before. . . . Hey if I can go to a concert and make 4 friendships with people I don't know then why cant I with people I do know? Here is to a bright future and a happy existence! We cant live full of hatred, it only effects us . . . .
To you Gina, I love and miss you being here . . but am thankful for your everlasting memory and your constant support from beyond this world to the next!
And to all those who I've hesitated friendship please message me . . . even if we've fought in the past lets be friends. . .
and if you have the time a last video for you, the lyrics are amazing and are so true!

New Year Old Adversaries

Well with the start of the new year, I start a new lifestyle
In hopes of helping to build up the muscles on the side of my knees so they will be better supported and quit hurting so much, My doctor has put me on the HCG Diet where for 40 days I have to inject myself with the hcg hormone and be on a 500 calorie diet, I'm pretty stoked about it, I've needed to loose weight but with the pain in my knees its been hard to. On top of this diet my doctor is having me go to physical therapy to help me learn some exercises to beef up my side knee muscles, I've forgotten the name already, haha go figure! And in 20 days I get to move back to Vegas and continue my on campus classes, I'm so super stoked about it I hate sitting like a flower or running someone else's running around. And when I get moved back, back to church I go to start my steps to get my patriarchal blessing, but loads to do till then, but I'll keep posting! Toodles!

New Quarter

So this week I started my new quarter, 3 classes, twice a week I have a concept design and scripting for games class from 8:30am to 11am not to bad eh? plus as an added bonus my teacher is a jay lookalike lmao, then on fridays I have a 8:30am to 2pm drawing class that has proved to be fun but very difficult and from 6pm to 11pm a fundamentals of programming and logic class which I have yet to attended, I am awaiting the start of class right now and hope that it isnt as hard as the 2 books I pried open earlier C++ and Java books arent the easiest to understand but at the same time I'm hoping I have the teacher that likes to make funny noises while telling a story or creating an animation on the comp, since its he who has taught me alot of comp history etc, plus he and I have learned each others bs styles and give each other so much crap its kinda funny :P and I get away with alot of crap in his classes lmao, even though its only 4pm on a friday I am sooo ready for bed and yet I dont get alot of sleep, I have to be up early to clean for the missionaries who are comin over at 10 am in the mornin . . . . and kitty is not going to like me being gone so long and will surly be meowing at me from the time I walk in the door to the time I hit the sack and probably long after although I wont be paying attention at all lol, this week has not been the best, happily I met up with kyle this past weekend, it was very nice to catch up with him, 2 years has been a very long time but he hasnt seemed to change too much although I have a feeling that I have changed quite a bit. Also returning home I realized I brought with me a cold and have been fighting it since last sunday, I'm glad to report that it is finally lifting and I can finally breathe out of my nose again :)and a long stressed weekend full of home work will com ense although it is all homework that I am excited to work on and progress on, mostly my drawing and learning how to shadow with pencils etc . . . . . in due time I will learn all :) well it is time for me to depart and send out more resumes to find a job :) I will report back in time :)