Oi-vey!

Monday morning, 2:13 am, and I am awake, I swear this Insomnia think is gettin worse by the week, although today it is simply I cannot sleep, usually its a pain in my shoulders, neck, or knees and today im painless per say. . . . . although I ask myself. . . . . is it my pure addiction to NCIS that is keeping me up? As I started drifting off to sleep around midnight my brain jolted me awake in wonder of what happens between the end of the first season and the end of the second season of NCIS. . . and over the past week I have had nothing more than a pure infatuation with the series. . . . and odd, or un odd depending on how well you know me, I have developed a crush on the one and only, Leroy Jethro Gibbs, Special Agent that is lol. I dunno what it is, the guns the interesting humor, or his way of going after what he has to, obsessing about it until he gets it . . . . I do know, I like his protectiveness and loyalty to his friends and thos he loves. . . its very facinating although I have been very disappointed in the past 3 seasons ends although I kept going back for more. . . . I suppose I have to watch the entire series from start to finish instead of jumping around . . . . . but one thing I love the most is the humor in the series in the middle of a horribly terrifying event something is said to make ya laugh, although the gibbs slap is probably my favorite thing makes me die laughing every single time although the "atta boy" moment I remember distinctly when I saw it because I kinda stared at the tv feeling unstatisfied that he was not smacked then laughed because it was what the audience was waiting for. . . . lol lil odd observation and probably the solid indicator that I need to stop watching the show before I know too much about it. . . . .but yet, it is too late :) and I've been loving every second of it between Gibbs, Ducky, and Abby the show keeps getting better, although Tony has his funny and annoying parts. . . . and Jenny and Kate had theirs as well as the frustrated to the point of punching the tv moments but still I continue to watch who can live with out "their" series, for most its ER, CSI, L&O SVU or CI, Lost, uhh . . . cant remember cause I dont watch most of them except the L&O ones, and Burn Notice, and WWE . . . . but apart from them NCIS has turned into my MCR of tv, some buddies of mine from a chat side I mod, make fun of me cause they know if I'm watchin NCIS I wont answer them until its either on commercial which is like a min long or until its over, no ifs and's or but's about it which seems to be alot like MCR with me, if their on tv, the radio, or im listenin to a song. . . . .no luck gettin my attention til its over :)

My older nephew JUJU came at a point in my life where I was really willing to give up, depression had struck me so bad, I was struggling to understand things, I felt I had no real reason for being around. I was never able to be me to have an identity of my own. I was how everyone pictured me, I conformed to be what people wanted, and not what I wanted. . . . . Sounds odd I know, but he was the first step in my realization of who I, me, Jenn really is. As the days drew closer when my nephews and sister the only people I had any connection with drew closer to them moving away I felt desperate for something to hold onto. I came across MCR late one night when Jesi was spending the night, I was looking for and outlet of music that I could understand, up until that point my main interest in music was rap. Coming across yahoo's top 100 music videos I found MCR's Helena video I watched the video for a good 6 hrs, repeating it until I knew every word and every movement in the video. At the time I thought it was a crazy video pale white chick raising from the coffin and dancing around, it made no sense what so ever but by then, it had intrigued me the lyrics from their second album first to my knowledge was so violent so angry and self destructive it was like it was an album written by my subconscious. Ofcourse every out cast student has a fantasy of destroying every person in their life who has brought them down to gratify themselves. Even within my closest group I was an outcast and didnt feel wanted, I thought I was the end of the totem pole as it were. . . . the more I dragged myself into MCR the more I thought about the hatred I had festered inside and never wanted it to show. . . the years I had spent pushing it down and away so no one would see my scaring. As the years passed and I dealt with my demons one by one recalling them and casting it out so that the hatred would no longer be mine. When MCR came out with their newest cd I liked it but was shocked at the difference I wasnt sure I was finished with the previous cd's content. . . it was then I realized the meaning to the newest cd, about being hurt but letting it go. I had felt so alone for so long trapped in my own world distorting reality. It was then I started to bring out who I am, I've always been afraid of what others would think of who I am, I hid it so I wouldnt feel ashamed of what I feel, who I feel for, what I look like, and who my true friends are. Sure, now I'm 21 soon to be 22 yes, I do have a tendency to like older guys but I dont care, you cant choose who you like, even if you choose to hide it from others, but who tells the lie there? I do like my hair very short, and usually in a mowhawk, I have my favorite bands name and a character known as fear tattoo'd on my wrist, and I dont regret it one bit, they helped me become who I am, helped me realize I dont have to care what anyone thinks but myself, my true friends will love me either way and the best of them wont judge me. Yes I have a lip ring, it was something I had wanted from middle school and was afraid to even want. . . but in a spur of the moment, concert ticket wining moment I did it and even though I am scared of needles I did it to prove to myself I can do whatever . . . . .whatever I set my mind to all I need is a little faith in myself. And even though I have all the so called "signs" of a Lesbian I am not, I am proudly heterosexual, I like my guys and they like me :) and thus far, I do believe I have the best of friends Jilly, ker of the Jesi :), Brandi, Amanda, Zack my not so obvious gay *I'm his wanna be lesbian* I have the best nieces and nephews in the world, My juju of the beee and mizikey :) Danielle yes one n :), and even though they arent blood they are close enough Tashlee and Audrie. I have to say I have changed a great deal since graduation it took me 3 years to figure out what I want to do with my life and I'm in no rush, I have my whole life to look forward to and too many ambitions to fulfill. I will by the time I die, learn to speak Italian and french. I will have lived in New York, Paris, London among other places in england, Rome, and Sydney. I will learn all there is to know about mythology in various places and visit many of south america/mexico's historical spots as well as, as many WWII historical sites I can. Eventually I will meet Gerard and Mikey the last two members of MCR I have not met yet. I will eventually meet A7X as well, I have no intention of backing down to anyone. I am no sweet little girl never fully have been. I am although a very protective person, if anyone screws with me or my friends or my nieces or my nephews my . . . . well what I can stand of my family I wont go down with out a fight. Never will they be what I was, I know the pain I know the dark thoughts. Anyone who messes with them, has messed with me. I'm not one to me trifled with unfortunate that some have learned that from experience. I suppose I see the light into why I have a not so secret crush on Gibbs, I am much like him, minus the gun, he has the vengeance of the devil much like myself but love for those who are close to him, I wish, I had a protector like him in my growing up years, someone who would have protected me when I felt unsafe much like Gibbs does for Abby
I could have had it worse I guess but I wouldnt be the person I am and the protector I am if it wasnt for it, well at this point I'm certain its time for a doctor, higher anti-depressants and something to cure my nonstop insomnia. . . I hope this weekend for sure we'll see . . . . I'm off to watch NCIS

too early on a friday monrin

some would call 2am late night, I see it as an early morning, I seem to have developed a bad case of insomnia since I've lived alone although I'm not sure if its so much time being alone or my new addiction to NCIS. I cant stop watching it, . . . although I have much to catch up on . . . . 5 seasons lmao, or the fact that Hurricane is fading from my memories. . . . . I dont remember off the top of my head my last memory there, thinking longer and deeper into my memories I scramble to retain them but I do believe I have become completly detached from everything and almost everyone there. I miss my puppies although going back next weekend to see them will really cheer me up as well as the fact that this sat Daniel leaves the middle east for his base and thus allowing me to talk to him more . . . . I swear deployments suck 9 months, . . . . 3 chats all lasting less than an hour . . . . frustration much? Although that would explain my frustration at the show, NCIS, although watching all the episodes with main characters leaving or getting switched out etc isnt a good idea although I still love it. . . . sadly I havent been able to be willing to give that much time to my math class although I am passing thus far, I do enjoy my College Success class, but I do talk wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy to much in that class . . . . . . between the teacher asking me what Ithink of something she and I take up about 90% of the 4 hr class lol but a 6pm - 10pm class . . . wow sucky my brains tend to let go around 9-11. Other than a boring life alone, nothin much has happened other than an interview im not expecting a call back on and bein made a mod of a chat site jilly and I are on. . . . sad. . . . I had hoped for more but until I find it I must get some sleep in the hopes that I can be kicked out of my insomnia and the pain in my knees and sprained ankle to get better. Night all

I am starting to resent mondays

Never had much not to like about mondays but man I am startin to hate them. But after a awesome weekend like I had I suppose I cant complain too much. Jilly came to visit friday night thru sunday afternoon, on Sat night we went to see Avenged Sevenfold in conert at the Joint in the Hard Rock hotel. It was sooo amazingly fun, making it my 9th onert I have only a short list of bands that I am wanting to see. Jilly and I also managed to score The After Party tickets after the concert, but to our disapointment it was a 21 + party, and she is only 20 til julyand so we did not get to party with them but there will always be another a7x party ;) But today seem to just knock me down a knotch lol. . . . . ofourse I got absolutly no sleep what so ever last night I tossed and turned for 4 and 1/2 hours before giving up and watching my newest TV obsession NCIS I loves me some Gibbs lmao go figure its based off the Naval base Jeskier is stationed on, and often talks about the base that is only 4 hours south of her were Brian is station, Lejeune :) so with no sleep I ripped myself apart from NCIS around 8:30 this morning to drag myself down to the bus stop to go to school, still wide awake, ofcourse in class is when my body finally gives up and falls asleep ontop of it I left class early to catch the bus to go up to an interview, Go figure right as I step off the bus across teh street from where I am to interview my phone starts vibrating from my backpack, before I can get to it they were sent to my voicemail, soo yea thecalled me to reschedual my interview, go figure they call when I finally get outside the building. Then I have to drag myself from bus stop to bus stop where I fell asleep twice while waiting for the Greenvalley pkwy one. Just my luck so tomorrow instead of bein able to sleep in I have to peel myself outta bed to drag my butt up to the interview, but all in hopes at the moment :) Well time to finish RAW and pass out so I get pleanty of rest for tomorrow

Too many days in and too many more to go

Just another manic monday eh? Go figure I was ready for bed at 11pm . . . .but got sucked into NCIS and finally pulled myself away around 2am, leaving me with limited time to sleep before my lecture in math class. There is nothing more thrilling that having an teacher blabbering on about signtific notations and blah blah blah. . . . . . . luckly I got out with out anymore homework, and yet I'm one of four students that actually turned in our assignment today, Go me! Glen came down yesterday though brought me my toaster, can opener, blender, table etc. yay it almost looks like an apt minus the empty boxes. Although I get to go visit Hurricane for my lil niece Audrie's 2nd birthday, aaah I love niece and nephews terrible twos :) I get to help and not clean up! lol Nothin better than bein an aunt, and yet in two weeks I GET MY NEPHEWS!! all the time whenever I want :) im soooooooooooooooooooo stoked, I've missed my boys. Well time to go read my college success class book thingy, and get more sleep before RAW, yay three hour RAW night!

Givin another thurs, Ey!

And there goes yet another Thursday! Really? Good hell, another boring Thursday come and almost gone, all I have left to do today is to sit through a four hour class about college success exciting and riveting isnt it? And what ya gotta do to get a bloody book! Been to the bookstore 3 times and finally nailed down a book for the class. . . . . hopefully not much homework in this one, I have too much math homework already and its only been one day. Well must jet off to class, starts in 10 minutes and cant be late on the first day. . .

Page 8 in this new life

Sad day, spent most of it in my PJ's layin on the couch watchin some Mr. Big and chatting up a storm with some CUSA friends. It has been crazy cold I've had to turn on my heater twice today! Oi! its suppose to be entering summer and I'm turning on the heater. . . . . but hey only another day until I can get out and get something done and hopefully nail down a job, not like I'm accepting just any job lol but ongoes the stress of school and financing school never seems to come easy does it?gotta pay through your nose for the "dream life" but how many of us live it? usually its . . ."on hold until I finish this or that" meh but onward and upward we go none the less. Well im off to comence my tv run of random shows and Mr. Big obsessions :P Ciao!

7days in a busy city

Today was a very unproductive day more or less, yet my first official weekend commences I have not much of a choice than to sit around waiting for the "professional week" to start again on monday. Until then I must sit home patiently waiting for those who promised interviews to call and get my fill of my Mr. Big :) no not the hamster, he again is on his wheel of fun, oi. I finally decided after 2hrs of chattering teeth that I should figure out how to start my fire place needless to say the gas was on to high and it scared me as I stuck the match in and I jumped luckily no damage but a large thud to the floor by me. lol Thus leading me to my firm thought that my neighbors are . . . .ghosts . . . . I seem to be the only one in this building that makes noise except an ocassional door opening or water rushing in the walls. . . . . but im almost certain that I will get a complaint about kitty's erraticness, she jumps loudly on the floor runs from the bathroom to the glass door and has an odd infatuation with pawing my posters on the walls but has most recently found the blinds on the glass door oi-vey! Well so on goes my weekend and my show. Off to put my dishes away!

Day 6 of Vegas life

although I only went out to get my mail I have to say I still love vegas :) I'm getting use to the noises of the night and lights but its so much nicer than the dead silence of southern utah. I've missed the hustle and bustle of a large town since we moved from Sactown. My muscles are finally recovering from over usage although on the plus side I have lost inches although it makes up in weight building muscles. Tomorrow I think I'mma head up to the library see what I can dig up and spark my interest. As well as check out some buisinesses along the way see if anyone is hirin. Although I stayed in today I applied for about 10 more jobs and followed up on 5 others, as well as got another list of government jobs list on order to be sent to me well tomorrow but actually today. This time change has been kickin my butt. I do love this complex cable when I came so I can watch my raw, burn notice, SVU, and CI :) gotta have my addictions. although I am really itching to go and take a soak in the hot tub but havent had energy or time in the same place. Luckly I had the energy to get my posters up so I have my my chem and johnny to see as I come in along with my millions of picture frames I have up lol *see facebook video* well I'm gonna game it up for a half hour before hittin the sack for some good Z's hopefully kitty will join me even though she is mad because I had to give her a bath today lol :) Toodles!

Day 5 Living on my own?

spent today out and about applying and interviewing although after having a very, . . . Abrupt talk with the Cooperate office for the Post office about them forwarding my mail 10 days early and the fact that they just didnt know where my parcels went after being forwarded, amazingly one showed up today, go figure? After a couple hours of walking up and down GreenValley Pkwy I'm starting to gain ground on knowing my way around. While also discovering that my calf muscles are as strong as shara would say, the mother of truckers! :) When returning home I decided I needed to take the rest of the day taking my time doing paperwork and hanging pictures, now I can see my boys everytime I look at my walls and my best of friends, Jillian, Jesikerrrrr, Zack, Manda, Brandi, my cute nieces :) that does include tashlee and audrie although its not official lol, and even some MCR. All in all it was a tiring day and I am slightly burned on my neck and my nose humph I suppose I really am a nocturnal. Sunlight is evil :) but at the same time a sunburn gives the perfect excuse to fill up my huge garden tub and loft for a while, while also listenin to some nickelback, hinder, or the best :) My Chem <3 must jet off, dishes and laundry wont clean themselves!