Life just never seems to make senes . . . . .

lately I've seem to loose touch with who I am and why I cherish life. As a young child I had the fairytale marriage all planned, with the perfect mormon boy. I met Tom and everything changed. Not that its a bad thing I still love him with all my heart he was the greatest relationship in my life. He taught me so much about life and how to live it spontaneously. For the two years he and I dated I was dead set that he and I would be married one day, we had a house picked out in hurricane, we knew how many kids we wanted. When that went south I lost myself again, I became a clone of what I thought people wanted of me, to be my brother. My brother is the greatest man in my life. Model father. My Idol and Hero. I could not ask for a better brother and friend. He is there regardless. He's always wanted me to do what makes me happy unlike most in my life. When I lost him for a couple years, he went kinda rouge to do his own thing, I found My Chemical Romance who became my own heros. In a world of high schoolers that partied like college kids and teenage teeny boppers lost respect of themselves and gave away what men desire most I still held to respecting myself as a human and even more as a woman. When someone stands up for you as a gender what are you suppose to think? stupid man! . . . no . . . .

"Hey, girls, you're beautiful. Don't look at those stupid magazines with sticklike models. Eat healthy and exercise. That's all. Don't let anyone tell you you're not good enough. You're good enough, you are too good. Love your family with all your heart and listen to it. You are gorgeous, whether you're a size 4 or 14. It doesn't matter what you look like on the outside, as long as you're a good person, as long as you respect others. I know it's been told hundreds of times before, but it's true. Hey, girls, you are beautiful."

“You’re going to come across a lot of shitty bands, and a lot of shitty people. And if any one of those people call you names because of what you look like, or because they don’t accept you for who you are, I want you to look right at that motherfucker, stick up your middle finger, and scream “Fuck you!
~ Gerard Way

And my only form of rebellion left is to fuck my hair up and look like a 16-year-old. So, it’s kind of all I got.

“Someone doesn’t like you? Fuck it. Having a bad day? Fuck it. Didn’t get that job, or that grade, or that promotion you wanted? Fuck it. Fighting with your lover? Fuck it. Feel fat today? Fuck it. Losing control of everything and everyone? Fuck it. What matters now won’t matter soon; the truly important thing is that …you are alive, and that you have the capacity to do absolutely anything with this beautiful, crazy coincidence of being on this earth. Just stick your middle fingers in the air and think, ‘Damn, I have it good.’”
~ Gerard Way

I mean serious if you dont respect yourself how can you expect the world to respect you and even to take you seriously? I know who I am and what I want in life for the most part. I never lost that hope just lost sight of it for a bit. In January of 2005 My Chem sparked a burning fire in me to better myself that just reignites every time they come out with something new. Some would call it a passion. . . I can see that . . . I feel that, years ago when I got into punk rock I realized something, I didnt really want the perfect little family. Perfect Mormon Boy. Perfect House. Perfect Life. Why would you want life to be so easy? What is the point to life if you dont have trials or sufferings. . . . . is it really worth being alive if its so perfect? Within the last year or so I thought I might have a chance at that perfect life again. . . . it seemed so great. . . . Then I met someone who is so imperfect that I realized its easy to see whats beautiful in the perfect, but who can see whats beautiful in the imperfect? Imperfect people make life. We all strive to be our own version of perfect but we never reach it, in a sense we are condemning ourselves to an imperfect life, maybe its what our subconscious wants after all and our strive for perfection is purely social. I know I have a personal problem because to me, I'm physically not perfect to society. . . . but you know what? thats ok. Physical aspects are not the world, They fade as willt those who solely depend on it. I've been in desperate need to revolutionize myself. Live by what you preach. And pardon the language but Fuck the haters! I'll never measure up to what they want, but what I want, I can do that perfectly! Screw those who continue to tell me I should be doing something different, give into men who only want to use me for physical needs I dont need them to make my life great, it is great already with all that I have and all that I dont have. I have those who love me and protect me here and those who have passed on that still watch over me and help me everyday to step forward. Backwards just isnt a possibility anymore, reverting back to a former personality is a safe zone that I cant cross back to if I am to evolve in this life. I've never wanted my life to just be another life, another death. When I die I hope that it would effect people world round that the good I do now will be passed on to show others a better path in life. Dont do it for the money, dont do it for the fame, do it to make a difference ~Linz Way~ Gerard married such a wise woman.

My two favorite songs
Famous Last Words


Sing

the last 24 hours

It's been an awkward 24 hrs. . . . it started with being blown off, yea I got a bit over pissed . . . I shouldnt have let it get to me, but it was pretty much the straw on the camels back. . . . my last straw of sanity gone. . . . . it seems pretty much every single friend, family member, association I have takes advantage of me and screws me over in the end! Two guys within the last 6 months pretended they were friends with me, asked me for sexual favors . . . . one just leaving a relationship which he promptly went back to the other still in one, I'm sorry but WTF is your problem asking women for that when your. . . . . uhg never mind. . . . so friend wise I dont get texts, messages, etc to see how I am pretty much ever the only people who check up on me are my mom and sister. . . . . my brother although I love him so much, he rarely calls me, I never hear word one from my father. . . . . my best friends never call except for jessica . . . . . . for a while I tried my best to stay in contact with everyone but I am so sick and tired of being the only one who tries in a friendship. . . . . . I'm sick and tired of caring when no one cares about me or whats going on, or wants me to drop school my life etc to be there for them, where were they when I needed them? GONE! All the time I have set aside to spend with friends . . . . and they always find a reason to go do something else or dont invite me, and I'm suppose to make them #1 on my list? Sorry for the language but fuck them to fucking hell! They can burn for all I care! I've been a toy for people to play with and throw aside for too long. . . . then when people ask my why my self confidence is shot to shit, WTF would keep it in tact?! I've spent every second of the last 24 hours when I wasnt sleeping or working blasting My Chemical Romance in my ears trying to calm myself down, not only did I have a complete breakdown only 3 friends have texted me to see if I'm ok! I mean seriously? Only one of them made me feel any better and I've never actually met her! . . . again seriously! And the amazing part is I think about my nieces and nephews, how much I love them and have tried to be apart of their lives. . . . . where was my family? Other than my Mother, Sister, and Brother. . . . . where were the rest of them? too busy I'm sure. . . . *rolls eyes* . . . . not only that but the fact that they talk shit behind my back, and they think I dont know. . . . oh that is just the cherry on the effing cake right there . . . . love and compassion for the family . . . . not to mention the friends that dont know that I know what they say behind my back, too you who do . . . BIG middle finger to you . . . . . your words mean nothing anymore . . . . so in conclusion of 24 hours of continuous listening to My Chemical Romance and thinking. . . . I'm gonna go ahead and revert to better years the 2 years following high school where I was heavily into my chem and not care about friends and their crap . . . Thank you and goodnight! uhg

I feel this song goes along with this post quite well
"but I think were the enemy"